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Episode Guide (Series 8)

Series:   1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8

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1: Fame (16 Nov 99)

Unknown to Bill, Ben has arranged for the family to be screen-tested for a BBC Television docusoap. Bill isn't at all keen on the idea but has to go along with the others when the film crew arrives suddenly. Everyone (except Bill) tries to make a "good impression" on camera. They all end up looking rather foolish. The production unit decides to use a different family for the programme. Everyone blames Bill.

The family who were actually chosen bear a remarkable similarity to the Porters.

2: Enter The Dragon (23 Nov 99)

Declan has come to stay for the weekend, so Bill warns Ben and David not to involve him in anything "weird". Bill's mother arrives unexpectedly, to see Declan. She rapidly takes over the whole household. Declan seems to be in his element, being totally indulged by Bill's mum. He's allowed to skip his homework and to stay up as late as he wants.

Bill tries desperately to think of a way of persuading her mother to go back home.

Bill's mother reveals that, when she's staying away from home, she often has a nightmare involving a huge, terrible, white ... something. Bill fails to find out exactly what the "something" is. Ben ends up dangling a white rabbit in a pair of Y-fronts through a hatch in the ceiling of the bedroom Bill's mother is sleeping in. It fails to frighten Bill's mother. Declan has more success when he creeps into the room in the middle of the night and sings the theme from "The Snowman".

3: Sticky Fingers (30 Nov 99)

Jenny comes home from college for the weekend, bringing her new boyfriend Keith with her. She wants him to share her bedroom. Bill decides that they can't object, while Ben is very unhappy about the idea.

Ben gets Keith to help him to lay new flooring in Bill and Rona's catering workshop. He decides that he can stop Keith from being able to "do" anything with Jenny by tiring him out. Ben gets Keith to help him buy some extra floor tiles. He deliberately parks miles away from the shop so that they have to go for a long walk. When they've bought the tiles, Ben goes to the second hand shop next year and buys a piano. He pretends to have hurt his foot, so Keith has to push the piano with Ben sitting on top of it. The piano rolls down a hill and Ben ends up in casualty.

Back at the workshop, Bill decides to make a start on laying the new floor tiles. She gets Rona and Jenny to help. They cover the floor in adhesive, but don't realise that they have to leave the windows open. They end up "high" on solvent fumes. Meanwhile, David and Declan have taken the dog for a run in the park. Declan goes into a shop and is wrongly accused of shoplifting. The police go along to Bill's workshop and find her, Rona and Jenny half-dressed and giggling.

4: After The Fox (7 Dec 99)

Bill and Rona are in danger of losing a catering job because they are being undercut by a big firm. They decide to reduce their costs by going to France to buy some cheap wine. On the way back, Bill discovers a French fox in the back of the van. It escapes, so she and Rona set out to recapture it. They finally manage to catch up with the fox, get it into a box and return it to France.

They release the fox in a French field and set off back to England. When the customs men check the van, they find some sheep in the back.

Also Appearing:
Sean Sloan (Sean), Moray Treadwell (Customs Man)

5: Carry On Screaming (14 Dec 99)

It's Halloween. A woman from Social Services pays a visit to let the Porters know that they are to be allowed to foster Declan permanantly. She tells Ben that, in the course of their background investigations, they have discovered the whereabouts of his long lost uncle, Lon. Bill and Ben pay a visit to Uncle Lon, who reveals a family secret.

Also Appearing:
Frankie Cosgrave (Judith), Windsor Davies (Uncle Lon), Andy Greenhalgh (Minicab Driver), Barbara Horne (Mary Stephenson)

6: The Millennium Experience (30 Dec 99)

Ben is getting very worried about the forthcoming millennium. He thinks that all sorts of terrible things are going to happen after December 31st. Bill refuses to take his "panic measures" seriously. She just wants a "quiet" family get-together to celebrate the new year. As a reult of a surprise visit from Tina, however, some of Ben's worst nightmares look like coming true.

Also Appearing:
Nicholas Hutchinson (Army Officer)