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TV detector man: Where's your toilet?

Neil: Oh, upstairs. Just follow your nose.

From: Bomb

Rick: I notice you haven't written the call down in the book, Mike. That's very interesting, isn't it? I mean, we've got this book here to write down all the calls we make in. I suppose you forgot, did you? Well, I wonder how many other times you conveniently forgot?

Mike: Rick, what are you talking about? This is a pay phone.

From: Bomb

Fisher: Next Tuesday, right, I'm going to blow up a panda in Croydon.

Rick: Yeah, right on. Bloody zoos, who needs them?

From: Interesting

Neil: It was getting really hot. Then I thought oh no, I should have put out that sociology file that was burning on Rick's bed.

Vyvyan: Yeah, I did that. Trying to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.

Neil: What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a really selfish thing to do Vyvyan. I was hiding in there - you could have given me away!

From: Flood

Neil: Come on guys, I don't think we should let this experience bring us down. After all, what's so wrong with dirty clothes anyway?

Rick: Yeah! you know, what they say - dirty pants, clean botty.

Mike: Dirty duvet, dirty mind.

Vyvyan: Yeah - my knickers are so old, it's only the stubborn understains that are holding them together.

From: Bambi

Vyvyan: Could I borrow a cup of sugar please?

Neighbour: Another one? How many's that you've had? You'll rot your teeth you know.

Vyvyan: Yeah, I was a bit worried about that, so I had all mine kicked out before I came round. These are Neil's.

From: Cash

Woman: Do you dig graves?

Neil: Yeah, yeah, they're all right, yeah.

From: Nasty

Vyvyan: Now, where was I?

Mike: You were over there by the front door.

Vyvyan: No, before that Michael! Oh God - I gotta stop sniffing this Ajax.

From: Nasty

Vyvyan: No, I just don't understand - how? Was she unconscious?

Rick: What Vyvyan - do I detect a little spark of jealousy?

Vyvyan: Ha! I'm not jealous! I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!

From: Time

Vyvyan: I must be hallucinating. What's a good thing for a hangover?

Mike: Drinking heavily the night before.

From: Time

Mike: What's two foot long with a big round head?

Helen: Don't know.

Mike: No, nor do I, but I keep finding it in my cornflakes...

From: Time

Neil: Oh yeah, that's a good idea isn't it? Yeah - let's all bring Neil down. That'll relieve the boredom.

Vyvyan: Will it? OK - er, shut up Neil you ugly poo-faced git!

From: Summer Holiday

Mike: Neil, it is very rare you interest me, but today you have. Why do you keep coming in here, carrying a cake, and saying surprise?

Neil: It's my birthday.

Mike: Now you knew that anyway, and we don't care, so where's the surprise?

From: Summer Holiday

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